An Introduction:
I was born in Atlanta, Georgia on August 31st 2001, the second of three children. Though my early memories are faint, I recall being an eccentric child. After my parent’s divorce at the ripe age of seven, I oscillated between a volatile and profoundly dangerous environment, to an inattentive and preoccupied one. Living with an abusive parent created a polarization in my mindset, an all or nothing that shaped my entire identity. In school, I could hardly focus on education without hearing my father’s voice claiming my incompetence, and comparing myself to siblings or peers. Growing up focused on survival, especially in the South, the severe political and societal ideologies amplified my extremes. Surrounded by the community's ideas of who is superior and deserves rights and who doesn’t, was more than destructive to a young Queer person’s psyche. Perceived danger and abandonment at any hint of authenticity.
My upbringing created a way to navigate through these dangers by morphing and shaping into whatever I needed to be in each and every situation. Growing and changing felt like trying on costumes to see what appealed to others. I went through many adaptations, though it’s not to say that some parts weren’t genuine, but most of my life has been driven through fear, not confidence.
When I started circus training, I had neglected, unpredictable emotions and had been mentally isolated. For years, my father’s response to my inadequacy was to be restricted from any physical extracurriculars, which resulted in a human pressure cooker. When I found an outlet that let me release that physically, as well as creatively, it felt kismet. For the first time I felt direction. A genuine one. One that I enjoyed for my sake, not others. It taught me discipline, persistence, courage, confidence. It helped bring me back to my imagination after feeling stifled for so long, forced to grow up too fast.
I had spent every day trying to survive, and when the time came to leave school I realized I hadn’t considered what I had wanted to commit my life to. Circus felt like the only path I had for better or for worse, and pursuing this as a career has reflected the extremes of my life which I know all too well. Gratifying and exhilarating. Devastating and tragic. Sometimes euphoric and mostly anxiety inducing. While creating at University, I found myself drawn to anxiety, fear, chaos, confusion, and instability. Subjects that I have always known first hand. As well as the idyllics, freedom, acceptance, confidence, hope. What I yearn for.
I am inspired by the range of human experience and capabilities, as well as surrealist or disturbing visuals. I’m influenced by Marica Marinoni, for her unique and recklessly beautiful manipulation of Cyr Wheel. I find inspiration in jugglers, especially those with creative props or manipulations. I’ve always been in love with Impressionist art, especially work from Pierre Auguste-Renoir, Claude Monet, and Camille Pissarro.
I specifically like the characterizations of Impressionism, obvious brush strokes with intense color, and everyday subject matter that focuses on perception, authenticity, and spontaneity. My main aspiration is to translate this content into my physical work as a performer.
As I learn and grow as a person and artist, I find it more necessary to create an outlet for myself to speak my opinions. To cultivate a space where I can be vulnerable through expressing thoughts without judgement of ineptitude. I’m interested in voicing my thoughts on circus yes, but I have so many strong feelings on what it means to be human in a world that somehow demonizes individuality AND unity.
So welcome to blog post #1 with many to follow.
With gratitude,
Ash
